Parenting a toddler is basically being in a hostage negotiation that you’re destined to lose. No matter how prepared you are, toddlers will outsmart, outlast, and out-argue you over literally anything. You think you’re in charge? Cute.

Let’s break down the 10 inevitable stages of toddler negotiations and why, no matter what, YOU WILL LOSE.

The Initial Ask
"Mom, can I have a cookie?" – Sounds innocent, right? Wrong. This is the beginning of the end.

The First No (Which They Pretend Not to Hear)
You say, "No, it’s almost dinner." They act like you just spoke an extinct language.

The Follow-Up Offer (Testing Your Weaknesses)
"Okay, but what if I only eat half?" Now they’re entering legal loophole mode.

The "Okay, But What If..." Spiral
This is where it gets dangerous.
"Okay, but what if I hold the cookie?"
"Okay, but what if I just look at it?"
"Okay, but what if I sniff it for a little bit and then I give it back?"

The Emotional Appeal
"Mom, if you love me, you’ll give me this cookie." … They just pulled the guilt trip card. Stay strong.

The Sudden Physical Meltdown
If negotiation fails, we move to Plan B: throwing themselves on the floor like an abandoned spaghetti noodle.

The Switch to Negotiating with Dad (or Grandparents)
If you say no, they’ll try a different authority figure because they know how to play the game.

The Final Desperation Play
"Okay, fine. I don’t even WANT a cookie anymore. I’m going to my room… forever." (They will be back in five minutes.)

The Unexpected Victory (For Them, Not You)
At some point, you give in just so they stop talking. Congratulations, you lost.

The Next Battle Begins Immediately
"Mom, can I have ice cream?" ... And it all starts over again.