Dear Wannabe Diary,

I mean, I barely started, and here I am already thinking about quitting. My Wednesday was spent glued to my laptop. I was all hyped up, super motivated, full of ideas. I wrote an article, bought a domain, set up a website, and created all the social accounts along with a logo. The night before, I was literally daydreaming about all the content I’d create, the topics I’d cover, the stories I’d share. I could barely keep my excitement to myself when my partner asked, “So, what’s your next project?”. 

See, when I get like this – locked in my office, only emerging when I’m starving or dehydrated – he knows. He knows I’m deep into something. Another grand project I’m about to dive into headfirst. Another big idea that I’ll pursue with everything I’ve got... until I crash and burn.

Been there, done that

Yep. I’ve been here before. So many times I’ve lost count. I throw myself into a project with full force – follow every piece of advice I’ve read or heard, do everything by the book (and then some), and then... nothing. The results I’m expecting never come.

And then the overthinking starts. The self-doubt creeps in. The "What if I’m just not good enough?" thoughts take over. I spiral. I shut down. I give up. Every. Single. Time.

The cycle

At first, it’s all excitement. I feel unstoppable. I tell myself, "This is it! This is the thing that’s finally going to work." I pour my heart and soul into it. Hours, days, weeks of effort. I tweak, adjust, perfect – because I don’t want to leave room for anything to go wrong.

But then the launch day comes, or the reveal, or whatever moment I’ve built up in my head, and... crickets. Nothing happens. No big breakthrough. No flood of success. Just me, sitting there, wondering, "What the hell did I do wrong this time?"

And that’s when the crash hits. Hard. I start questioning everything. My abilities, my choices, my worth. I feel like a failure. Like I’m doomed to spend my life working some mediocre job, earning just enough to get by, living paycheck to paycheck.

I want more

Don’t get me wrong – I love being a mom. It’s the most meaningful and rewarding role I’ve ever had. But I don’t want to be just a mom.

One day, when my grandkids or great-grandkids ask me about my life, I don’t want to just say, "I was a mom, and now I’m a grandma." I want to say, "I was a mom, a grandma, and a badass entrepreneur. I built something from nothing. I created financial freedom for myself and my family. I traveled, I experienced, I lived."

But today? Today, I don’t feel like that version of me is even remotely possible.

What’s the point?

I keep asking myself, "What do you really want to do with your life?" I’ve spent so long chasing opportunities that I thought would make me money. But the older I get, the more I realize I want something deeper. Something that makes me excited to wake up in the morning. Something that doesn’t feel like work because I love it so much.

I want to find that thing. The thing I’ll talk about with the same passion I talk about my kids. The thing that lights me up from the inside. The thing that makes the grind feel worth it.

Last night...

Last night, after a full day of excitement and productivity, I tucked my little one into bed. We read her favorite book, went through all the animal sounds (three times), kissed each animal goodnight, and turned off the light.

Forty minutes later, when she finally fell asleep, my brain went into overdrive. And that’s when the doubts started flooding in.

"Why are you even trying this? It’s going to fail, just like everything else."
"You’re not cut out for this. No one will care what you have to say."
"What if someone from work finds out and you lose your job? Then what?"
"You’re just wasting your time again."

And on and on and on. Welcome to my brain. It’s exhausting.

Dear subconscious...

So here I am, writing this. To you, my lovely, overly negative subconscious:

F*** you.

You’ve held me back more times than I can count. You’ve sabotaged every good thing I’ve tried to build. You’ve planted doubt where there should’ve been confidence.

You’re the reason I quit before I even started. The reason I wade through life like I’m trudging through knee-deep snow instead of gliding gracefully through challenges.

Am I going to fail at this too? Maybe. Probably. But you know what? At least I’m trying. And even if I crash and burn again, I’ll learn something.

So, dear subconscious, if you’re not here to support me, then kindly shut the hell up.

Sincerely,
Me.